Christmas is enjoyed by many for its Christian beliefs, or as a time of reconnecting with family and friends, experiencing the joy of giving and receiving of gifts. For the bereaved Christmas can be especially difficult. Whether the bereavement is recent, or historic, Christmas can worsen or trigger memories of grief. If you are grieving, or supporting someone who is, you may find this short blog helpful.
The lead up to Christmas for the bereaved can feel like an emotional roller coaster. Media channels advertise perfect Christmas families, shops, public spaces display Christmas décor. Work colleagues, friends, talk excitedly of their Christmas plans, asking about your plans too. When you are grieving this can be overwhelming. You may find yourself bursting into tears, feeling angry, resentful, sad, numb or anxious about how you will cope.
It may the first Christmas without the person that died, or it could be one of many. You may feel that Christmas will never be the same again, wondering how the world can go on as if nothing has happened, want to cancel Christmas as you can’t imagine how life can ever be the same.
New Years Eve can also be very difficult and not something you want to celebrate as you are not only grieving over the person that died, but the loss of the future you had planned with them.
It may help to know that when you are grieving all these feelings are normal as you contemplate the Christmas festivities whilst in the depths of the emotional, exhausting, utterly debilitating turmoil of grief.
How to cope
It is important that you do what feels right for you and not to feel pressured to attend or organise events that you don’t feel ready for. It is equally as important to share how you are feeling, and your decisions around Christmas, with your friends and loved ones. They may not be aware of the depth of your grief.
Take some time for yourself, to rest, recover or to simply enjoy something like a coffee with friends. It is still OK to feel enjoyment, to take a break from your grief. Some people feel if they do this, they will forget the person who died, but your loved one will be in your heart and memory forever.
Remember the person who died in a way that is meaningful for you, or your family. Here are some of things that clients tell me are helpful.
- Make a bauble for the Christmas tree, all about the person who died. Clear plastic baubles to decorate yourself can be found and often small photos or mementos can be placed inside.
- Write down all the memories of Christmas with the person who died on small post it notes size paper. They could be different colours for different memories, for example funny, sad, happy. Place them in a jar nearby where you can add more as they come to you, or pull one out to remind you of them.
- Make a paper chain writing a memory on each one.
- Write a letter, or Christmas card to the person who died. Sometimes writing things down can help.
- Make a place setting for the person who died at the Christmas table in honour of their memory. Talk about them.
- Have a small decorated Christmas tree just for them, where you, and perhaps other family members can add their own memories of the person who died.
- Make an advent calendar where each day you place a memory in an advent box. It could be things you did together in the run up to Christmas, or what you are feeling that day, or a special object.
Whatever you do try not to put pressure on yourself. You may not know how you are going to be feeling from day to day, so if plans have to change that is OK too. Talk to those around you about your feelings and decisions around Christmas. If this is your first Christmas without the person who died it may be incredibly difficult, don’t be afraid to put yourself first. For many Christmas is a time of enjoyment, and if this is what you feel then give yourself permission, and of those around you, to enjoy Christmas too.
Grief can feel incredibly lonely. If you are feeling overwhelmed counselling can help. There are also some amazing charities that provide support, guidance and strategies for coping with your grief.
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