This is my second article about grief myths; common misconceptions around grief that can get in the way of healing after loss (my first article can be found here: Busting grief myths By continuing to bust these myths my wish is that you find some comfort, hope and peace after loss. Loss and grief are something that all of us will experience at some point in our lives. It can’t be avoided.
Myth: There is something wrong with me as I sometimes see, hear or sense the person who died.
Reality: Hearing, seeing or sensing the person who died are sensory experiences associated with grief. Whilst for some this may feel unsettling, it is normal and does not mean there is anything wrong with you. These experiences can occur as you process your grief, trying to make sense of what has happened or temporarily ‘forgetting’ the person has died. For example, waking in the morning and for a few seconds ‘forgetting’ the person has died.
These sensory experiences are normal. They can bring comfort, continuing the bond with a loved one as you process your loss.
Myth: I must be going mad as I keep talking to them as if they were here.
Reality: It is normal to find yourself talking to the person who has died. Grief is hard, overwhelming and confusing. Talking to the person who has died can help to process your grief, ease the pain of missing them, continuing the bond with them. For some, depending on religious, spiritual or cultural beliefs there may be comfort in that they can hear you.
Myth: I have to be strong, brave, for those around me.
Reality: This is a common misconception. People grieving often feel they can’t show their full emotions, fearing they will upset others, or feeling they have a responsibility to ‘keep it all together’. The reality is that pushing your emotions down will block the grieving process. Emotional pain is normal after loss. Allowing the pain, emotions, and feelings to come out is a healthy and normal way to grieve. After all we are only human, it is OK to not be strong and brave
Myth: I’m a man, I need to be strong for others.
Reality: Societal and cultural expectations may put extra pressure on men to be brave and strong when someone dies. From an early age boys are often taught to ‘man up’ or ‘big boys don’t cry’ or to be the ‘problem solver’. Even worse is to be told ‘you are now the head of the family’.
As a result, men may find it difficult to talk about their feelings, grieving in silence, isolating themselves from those around them. Whilst everyone grieves in their own unique way, men are more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol, express anger or distract themselves with work. Anything to avoid feeling the emotional pain.
Men are also more likely to experience physical symptoms. For example, not sleeping, exhaustion, headaches, chest pain, stomach problems.
If you find yourself in this situation help is out there – it is a sign of great strength to seek support.
Myth: Having sex or wanting intimacy after the death of someone close is not normal.
Reality: Talking about sex can feel awkward. Add sex and grief together and it may become impossible to talk about them in relation to each other. Yet death can impact on a bereaved person’s sex drive, trigger feelings of sexual loss, a fear of being judged, or considered ‘not normal’.
Just like grief, the impact on a person’s sex life after bereavement is unique to the person. Just like grief there is no right or wrong way, no normal or timescale, on sexual loss. You can read more about this in my article published on Counselling Directory How does bereavement impact on sex and intimacy? - Counselling Directory.
Summary
These are just a few more myths around grief. Remember to process your grief in your own way, time, and not compare yourself to others. It is unique to each of us. If you do feel you would like to talk to someone that is a positive step in the grieving process, a strength and not a weakness.